Q: I am a newly married stepmother trying to build family connections but my husband’s children are not exactly warming up to me. What can I do?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Being a stepmother may be one of the toughest jobs a woman can have. It can take a long time for children to adjust to a new stepparent, no matter why the previous marriage ended.
In the meantime, home life can be pretty uncomfortable. But your relationship with your stepchildren can thrive if you make respect your primary goal.
Stepmothers often respond to tension by trying even harder to create a loving mother-child relationship. That is understandable but it usually does not work.
If your stepchild feels pressured to love you as much as their biological mother, it will drive them further away. That is not a relationship they are ready for.
Authors Kathi Lipp and Carol Boley, who have both walked this challenging road, suggest a practical new approach in their book But I’m Not a Wicked Stepmother.
Instead of attempting to take on the full role of “mum” right away, interact with the children more like a loving aunt or a counsellor. That will usually minimise the pressure everyone feels to create an intimate mother-child bond. Make mutual respect the primary goal and the loving relationship you are hoping for will have a chance to develop more naturally.
Meanwhile, you and your husband can smooth the path by working as a united team. Discuss and set household guidelines together and model respect towards every member of the blended family equally.
Q: How do I deal with a chronically late spouse? He is late for everything except work. That makes me late, too, especially when we are going somewhere together. It reflects poorly on me and I think it is disrespectful to others.
Focus on the Family Malaysia: To some extent, punctuality can be more critical in some situations than in others. “On time” can mean one thing at the office or in the classroom but in less formal settings, there is a lot more room for interpretation.
You need to begin with an honest conversation with your husband. Compare and contrast your personal definitions of the phrase “on time”. Remember to use “I-based” language as much as possible. Instead of blaming and accusing, say something like, “Here is what I’m aiming for when I think in terms of getting somewhere within a reasonable time frame. And this is how I feel when we are late. Can you see where I’m coming from? What do you think we should do about it?”
If you determine that your spouse’s chronic lateness is connected to irresponsibility, passive-aggressive behaviour or a conscious intent to offend, then some accountability may be justified. But if it is simply part of his personality, you may need to exercise grace.
Remember, different people approach life differently. Some are highly organised, while others are not. Some operate on a schedule while others live so intensely “in the moment” that they have no sense of time and pay no attention to the ticking of the clock.
If differences of this kind are the source of the conflict, you may have to figure out a way to accept the situation and move on.
If you cannot accept it – even though you are convinced that there is no ill will on your spouse’s part – you may need to examine yourself to find out why his lateness bothers you so much. In some cases, it may be necessary to take two cars if you want to make it to a party or dinner date on time.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my.
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