I HAVE never been a mother, so I cannot profess to knowing what it is like to bring up a child or children.
However, I do know what it is like to be a child and, as an adult, what it feels like to look back on my childhood and see all the dysfunction and problems that led to me having ADHD and depression in my adult years.
Also, as a somatic psychotherapist, I see so many adults struggling with their lives because of the environment they grew up in.
Some clients are clear about their feelings towards their parents. One confessed, “I hate them for destroying my life.” Another admited, “They worked so hard and sacrificed so much for me – I feel guilty speaking badly about them.” Yet another said, “I didn’t choose to be born.”
As I listen to their stories, my heart breaks for them because inside that adult is the child who really wanted to be loved, nurtured, cared for, seen and heard.
I remind my clients that they are not in therapy to vilify their parents; they are here to understand how their childhood moulded them into who they are and to help them recognise how those little children perceived each parent’s words and actions, and where they stored those stressful or traumatic moments in their little bodies.
It is important to note that it is not only parents who shape a child’s psyche; other caregivers – grandparents, nannies, maids, teachers or anyone in a position of authority – can also leave lasting imprints on a developing mind.
I recall a client whose family maid would threaten him whenever he misbehaved: “If you’re naughty, the policeman will catch you and lock you in a cage without food and water.” That child grew up with an unnatural fear of police officers and, as an adult, is triggered whenever there are roadblocks or any situation where law enforcement is involved.
What seemed like harmless discipline to the maid became a deep-seated trauma that followed him into adulthood.
This does not mean parents or caregivers are evil – it simply means they themselves often did not have the right role models when they were growing up.
The truth is, people who are hurt tend to hurt people. Most parents are completely unaware of their own neuroses and the emotional baggage they carry from their childhoods. Without conscious awareness or healing, they unconsciously pass these wounds on to their children, creating generational cycles of pain.
Many years ago, long before I became a therapist or knew anything about therapy, I recall a friend, at that time in his 40s, telling me how his father once told him, “There is no love lost between us”. He was just 10 years old at that time and it was something to do with a Christmas decoration that he had misplaced. That little boy was so hurt by his father’s remark that he thought his father did not love him and he carried that sadness into his 40s.
I suggested he have a chat with his father, and one morning, just before breakfast, I saw them holding each other and weeping. Later, my friend told me his father had not remembered anything about that incident but sadly that little boy carried that for more than
30 years.
This story illustrates how parents, operating from their unhealed wounds and unconscious patterns, can inflict lasting damage without intending to.
The father likely spoke from his own pain, completely unaware of how his words would echo in his son’s heart for decades. This is the tragic cycle of unconscious parenting, where our unprocessed trauma can become the source of our children’s future struggles.
The cycle does not have to continue. When we understand that most parenting happens unconsciously – driven by our own unhealed childhood experiences – we can begin to approach ourselves and our parents with compassion rather than blame.
I often tell my clients, before you can forgive your parents, you need to heal first. You don’t have to forgive them simply because they gave birth to you, raised you or paid for your education. If they injured you physically or emotionally, those wounds are real and valid. Don’t rush to forgive out of guilt or societal pressure – heal yourself first.
Breaking generational patterns requires courage to look inward and acknowledge our own wounds. For parents, awareness is the first step. When we catch ourselves reacting from old wounds, we can pause and choose differently through therapy, mindfulness and learning healthier ways of relating.
For those still healing from childhood, remember that understanding your parents’ pain does not minimise your experience. Your feelings are valid, your struggles are real and healing is possible. The little child within you deserves the love, safety and acceptance they always needed.
Sometimes the greatest gift we can give the next generation is our own healing.
Nahlana T. Kreshnan is a somatic psychotherapist and life and executive coach. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com