MY wife and I are expecting our first child. I am anxious to be a dad but also intimidated. My father was not a good role model, so I feel pretty clueless about this whole parenting thing. Please help.
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Author Kent Nerburn once said, “It is much easier to become a father than to be one”. Maybe that is one of the reasons why so many dads feel overwhelmed.
It is easy for dads to feel like they are in over their heads – when your six-month-old baby starts wailing and you can’t make him stop, when your son is failing algebra and you can’t make him pass, if your daughter gets bullied and you can’t make all of her hurt feelings disappear. It involves slower and subtle work.
All of which, of course, is what can make fatherhood so frustrating. In our professional lives, dads frequently hold the reins and make things happen. However, parenting often strips fathers of that control.
As much as we may want it to be, fatherhood is not like being a mechanic – we cannot fix things with the simple turn of a spanner. Even worse, sometimes we don’t know if what we are doing is even working.
Being a successful dad starts by learning your role, don’t try to force your child down a certain path in life. You have to walk alongside and encourage them in their journey.
It is a process that takes a lot more patience, time and commitment than many men are used to. But at its heart, fatherhood is all about the relationship.
Remember, gently coaching your children is the essence of what you are aiming for. Be a coach, cheerleader and champion of your child.
Q: How can I tell whether or not my child is addicted to video and online games? He spends a lot of time gaming but it is hard to know whether it is that serious of a problem.
Focus on the Family Malaysia: When it comes to addictive behaviour of any kind, it is better to be safe than sorry. Research has shown that addiction significantly disrupts daily life and routines.
That is what you want to watch out for: disruption. Several symptoms of addiction can help indicate if your son’s gaming has become something more than just a hobby.
These include:
A lack of balance and inability to stop the activity.
Isolation, neglecting or lying to family and friends.
Problems with school or job.
Weight gain, neck and back issues, carpal tunnel syndrome.
Irritability, defending the use of video games at all costs.
Ignoring personal hygiene.
Changes or disturbances in sleep patterns.
If you notice such signs, get tougher about time limits and actively monitor screen time. It is easier to enforce boundaries if the gaming console or computer is placed in a shared family area where usage can be easily monitored – keep it out of the bedroom.
If your son is losing sleep or his grades are slipping, you may need to place firm boundaries – perhaps even removing the device entirely.
Admittedly, these conversations are not easy. If your son is clearly obsessed with the game and acts out with severe hostility when unable to play, you may need to seek professional assistance.
Counselling can uncover underlying problems that may be contributing to an addiction. However, in most cases, gaming can be controlled with consistent enforcement of limits.
The goal is teaching your son decision-making and balance in life, not making him happy. Setting limits is loving, even when there is some conflict involved.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com