THIS apparent conversation was recorded in a Republican leader’s handphone with an erased TikTok account. The phone is alleged to have Chinese component chips and parts, including from Taiwan, capable of being activated by hackers. Both the phone and recording are currently being scrutinised by the FBI.
Participants in the hacked conversation include Republican senior senator Mitch McConnell, Republican former secretary of state Mike Pompeo, Republican senator chairing the Senate Intelligence Committee Tom Cotton and Democrat senior senator Mark Warner.
McConnell: This is getting too much. According to Howard*, TikTok is on 100 million American phones and Beijing is still adamant not to let us own the tech and control the algorithm. And the Don is giving Byte Dance a third reprieve till September to divest.
Cotton: Yup. The Boss says that he has lined up the buyers and that all it needs for us to take over is for Xi (China President Xi Jinping) to sign off. He is very confident his buddy will agree.
McConnell: You know I warned them, in the hallowed halls of the Senate, that this was not merely litigation but a stay of execution sought by a hardened criminal. We are not arguing with a legal team, gentlemen; we are negotiating with a serpent that has burrowed into our youth’s iPhones.
Pompeo: Hey, don’t forget I was pushing for it to be banned five years ago.
Cotton: Why are our guys still not getting the job done? This is a Chinese Trojan horse sitting in the lawns and dinner tables of the White House and Pentagon.
Warner: Hell, not only in Washington. As Mitch says, it is also in my kids’ phones and they are on it several times a day at least. Man, it’s so bad I have to run to the bathroom every time they are on TikTok and my phone rings.
Pompeo: Same here too. Although I’m retired, don’t forget I was the director of the CIA and Beijing continues to pay close attention to me. My CIA staff tell me it is not a hundred million. Double that!
McConnell: Hahaha Pomp. Everyone knows that you are a closet China lover, especially of China’s state oil field equipment.
Pompeo: S**t. You can say the same for yourself. That story was from a long time ago. Five years ago while many of you were still arguing over earmarks, I was pushing to ban this app. I saw the Chinese Communist Party’s fingerprints on every single viral dance. And here we are now, after two hundred million “Renegade” dances have infiltrated our nation’s very soul.
Warner: Look. All of us have some kind of skeleton in the cupboard on China, okay. Let’s get serious. I don’t know about (Donald) Trump’s cronies but I have the legit money all lined up to take control of the Trojan horse.
Cotton: Trojan horse? Gentlemen, it is worse. It is a Trojan Horse on wheels, a
self-propelled, algorithm-driven Manchurian Candidate that is brainwashing our children with coordinated dance moves. It is not just on the lawns of the White House but also in the homes of our military families, poisoning the minds of future servicemen and women! And now, it is influencing our celebrities and kids to buy Labubu China dolls!
Warner: Guys, guys, let’s not get bogged down in metaphors. The horse is out of the stable. I have already lined up the capital. We don’t need to kill it; we just need to acquire it. The only way to win in this new digital economy is to out-innovate them.
Cotton: Yup. It is a prime asset ripe for a leveraged buyout.
Warner: I’m talking about an American version, “FreedomTok”, with a user agreement that is five times as long and a much more efficient data-mining operation. We just need to take control of the horse and put a new saddle on it. I – and all Democrats – do not want it to go dark, okay.
McConnell: Our problem is Trump. He has turned out to be pro-China. How can we put pressure on him? He is the greatest obstacle to our national security, not Beijing. It is the president. He is behaving like a man who has just discovered that correcting trade deficits is good for his hotels. Now, how do we apply the necessary pressure to realign his priorities?
Cotton: I am his friend. I have been one of his staunchest allies. We have broken bread together. I have told him repeatedly about the national security implications of not taking a hard line on TikTok. It is like he thinks the data is going to a friend, not a foe. TikTok is a Chinese digital anthrax, a cybernetic IED (improvised explosive device), guys!
Warner: Gentlemen, he is not listening because you are talking about national security. He is talking about a brand. He is looking at another term and he is not going to want to duke with China. He wants to “deal”. The question is, what are we willing to put on the table that China isn’t?
Pompeo: For me, the most important outcome is to make it into a social media bible congregation. The true path to victory is not through litigation or acquisition. We must transform the Trojan horse into a Christian horse – a vessel of faith. We will flood the platform with TikToks that are not about dances. It will play Christian rock and have Bible sing-alongs and verses. We will call them “The Gospel Grinds” and “The Sermon Swirls”. We can start with a hundred million of our youths, scrolling for joy and finding the word of the Lord.
Warner: Whoa. “Christian horse?” So, the business plan is a hostile religious takeover? We will export digital sermons and prayer groups to a nation that, from all my insider accounts, takes good care, even better care of religious minorities by leaving them alone. This is a far more aggressive strategy than I was thinking.
Cotton: Wonderful. A reverse Trojan horse. We do not just infiltrate their country, we send them salvation. A strategic and spiritual offensive all at once. We will call it “Operation: Holy Hashtag” or “Buddha Tok?” I will make sure Gordon** hears this so it can appear on Fox.
Warner: I don’t trust Chang. We hear he is planning a book on “The Coming US Collapse”.
McConnell: You know, perhaps we have been too hasty on the president. I am confident that with a little time, he will bring Xi to agree on this in return for bringing down the tariff rates further. In the meantime, Mark, a more pressing matter.
I have several inquiries… friends… acquaintances really… who are keen to understand the financial instruments involved. They have been asking how one gets a “piece of the pie” when the public offering for our new “American” TikTok hits the market.
Warner: (A dry, knowing chuckle) Well, Mitch, I am glad to see our national security has a clear profit margin. The good news is, a lot of your friends’ PACs*** have invested in the venture capital firms that are circling the deal. They are already on the inside. But if they are asking for the real inside track… tell them to get their checkbooks ready for the regulatory committee hearings. That is where the real “pie” gets baked.
Pompeo: Don’t forget to count me in. My church can do better work if we can also get on the inside track. Everything I do is for my church!
McConnell: Amen. I will see that the Don gets to hear this soon.
Warner: You all know Don’s just fulla himself… all sound, fury and horses, gentlemen. Before you go, make sure you leave my name out, please.
*Commerce Secretary Howard Ludnick
** Gordon Chang, Fox News American Chinese commentator and author of “The Coming Collapse of China” (2005). Well known for his hawkish rhetoric and continuing predictions on the imminent collapse of China.
*** PAC – an abbreviation for “political action committee”: a committee formed by a special-interest group to raise money for their favourite political candidates.
Lim Teck Ghee’s Another Take is aimed at demystifying social orthodoxy.
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